One of the most difficult aspects of being a physician is when you lose a patient. When I say “lose” I am not referring to a patient who leaves to go to another practice, but I must admit I beat myself up over some of those as well, but many of these exits are celebrated too 🙂 What I am referring to the ultimate loss. The death of a patient. Especially the unexpected deaths. They are rare, but do occur and when they do it is a shock to everyone, myself included.
You see, you can do everything right and still die. Another unexpected death is when someone is younger and passes away. I find that the older I get the term younger tends to be older now. I mean, when I was twenty and I heard someone died in their early sixties I would have said that individual is old. Like really old, but now I feel being in you sixties is still relatively young to be dying in today’s medical world.
A patient of mine recently passed away and my staff and I felt it would be nice to “pay our respects” because he had been a part of our practice since the beginning of my career and he was a very nice man. This outing made me think where did this tradition come from? You see, visiting the bereaved, viewing the body, offering condolences and attending a funeral have deep roots in human history. It dates back at least 60,000 years ago with Neanderthals and early humans placing flowers, antlers and objects that have been found at burial sites. It has even been documented that crows and primates have been found to do the same, lining up to see their deceased friend one more time even bringing gifts in the forms of sticks, feathers or stones. It reflects a universal need process grief, affirm social bonds, a way of showing esteem for the dead and their family and ensure a proper transition to the afterlife or prevent unrest in the living.
It has been practiced by every great civilization, from ancient Egypt, Greece, Rome and in the Americas as well. The term “wake” is derived from the old English “wacu” meaning to”watch”. Where we are watching over the body to confirm death and prevent premature burial. (Don’t get me started on some of the nightmare stories of declaring death as a resident, only to find out the patient was not actually dead). It was in the Victorian era (19th century) which amplified the formality of a funeral (strict mourning etiquette, black attire and even making jewelry from the deceased individuals hair-this is a tradition I am glad has been lost at least I haven’t heard about it lately or ever for that matter!!
We hear the songs, and the bible verses. You hear friends talk about how nice a person was and how they will be missed. Where they were born, went to school, where they worked, their hobbies, pleasures, habits (good and bad). What they wanted to do in life and what they actually did do. Then the coffin gets placed in the ground or the urn is passed to their spouse or next of kin and the funeral director tells you where the celebration or party will be and then we move on. For the loved ones who’s life revolved around the deceased this is an extremely difficult time and some may never fully recover from this great loss. For others, they realize that this is the beginning of their life without this person and they move on. It is never easy but life does go on. It has to, or else we will be the next one following this procession.
I feel that it would be best to “pay your respects” while the person is still living. That is when it really matters. Give them a call. Grab a meal, coffee or drink whenever you can or when you think about it. Hell, text or be old fashion and send a card or letter every once in awhile. Just let them know that you are thinking about them. Prior to the 19th century, “paying respects” meant a polite visit or expression of esteem for the living. It was extended euphemistically to the dead in the 19th and 20th century. Call me old fashion but I prefer to see my friends and family when they are living not when they are being placed in the ground or in a vessel. This is just my opinion.
“No matter how rich you become, how famous or how powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather”– Michael Prichard. Stay healthy my friends and have an amazing Easter holiday with your friends and family.
Doug
